


Winter Never Turned To Spring

by galveres



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Angst, Avengers: Endgame (Movie) Spoilers, Bucky Barnes Recovering, Bucky Barnes-centric, Christmas, Cold Weather, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Men Crying, Moving On, Not A Fix-It, Post-Avengers: Endgame (Movie), Post-Captain America: The Winter Soldier, Pre-Captain America: Civil War (Movie), Winter
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-11
Updated: 2019-08-19
Packaged: 2020-08-19 02:29:16
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,000
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20202247
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/galveres/pseuds/galveres
Summary: Even the Winter Soldier can be cold in winter. With Hydra constantly chasing after him, maybe it's time to take a break and embrace the warmth.





	1. Chapter 1

It was Bucky’s first winter away from Hydra. His first Christmas since the previous century. At first, he hadn’t planned to celebrate it, because for what? He was alone, on the edge of insanity, with constant fear that they would find him and brainwash again.

Winter in Romania was rough. He was cold enough to remember all the times they had frozen him to near death, but it wasn’t enough to make him go and buy a jacket. If he went out, they would know where he was. They would come for him and make him an assassin once more.

Sometimes, he would try to go on for weeks without food, because leaving his small dingy apartment was too risky. He’d gone for a month without showering some time ago, because the water stopped flowing and he was too scared to tell his landlord about it. If the guy threw him out, it’d be over for him. He couldn’t hide in crowded streets.

But after that one awfully long month, spent in disease and fever after only occasionally drinking rain water, it miraculously started working. Maybe it was the landlord that cut off the flow in the first place but then started pitying Bucky. Improbable, but not impossible, given that Bucky basically looked as if he was homeless. (He didn’t know his real home anymore, so he might as well be.)

The week before Christmas got Bucky shaking. It was so cold that sometimes he couldn’t even feel his body parts. His apartment didn’t have a heater and some of his windows weren’t even there anymore, only replaced with cardboard, and it was when he was about to collapse when he realized he couldn’t go another day without a jacket and a warmer shirt.

But he was still reluctant. Of course there were Hydra agents looking for him; he was their _ best _ creation and they wouldn’t give him up just like that. It was only a matter of time before they knock on his door, but in the streets, it was worse; he was a clear target there. Vulnerable. He hated being vulnerable.

But if he didn’t go to make at least groceries, he’d be dead soon anyway. He didn’t remember when his last meal had been, and even though his body was boosted, he still had to take at least minimal care of himself. To survive.

He found his gloves somewhere behind his mattress, instantly jumping to conclusions that a guy with gloves and only a black long sleeve shirt in the middle of winter was suspicious.

But then again, what was more suspicious – a guy without a jacket but with gloves or a guy with metal arm? Yeah. He put them on and left the apartment, giving it the one glance to make sure that nothing was in place when he came back.

Bucky walked down the stairs slowly, minding his limp that was still present after his last mission. He actually forgot how many stairs that was and now, barely functioning, he regretted ever deciding to live in such a high building.

“Good evening!” someone said just a little too loud, startling Bucky to the point where his flinching almost made him fall off of the stairs. At first, he thought that he was found by Hydra, so his whole body tensed, ready to go into fight mode, but rationality made him check who it was before he attacked.

Turns out it was just a kid. Ten years, maybe a little older.

“Good evening,” he answered before the kid stormed off. His voice was raspy and quiet, having not been used for, what, months? Probably.

He pondered about his voice for just a moment before another thought surged to the front of his mind, dangerous, red and flashing like a fire alarm; how did someone know that Bucky spoke English?

_ They found me. They’re gonna take me back. They’re gonna make me hurt. Run. _

He couldn’t do that, though. His body was completely frozen, and this time it was more from dread than actual cold.

The kid showed up again, this time with an adult, and Bucky was sure it was the end, the end of his pretended freedom, the end of getting back his memories, until–

“Excuse me, are you Mr. Barnes?” the man asked, his voice a deep but warm baritone. _ Don’t get distracted. _ “Sir, we are not here to hurt you, by any means. There is just someone who wants to meet you.”

“Who?” Bucky desperately tried to keep his calm surface, not to let the fear show.

“I believe his name is Steve Rogers.”

“Where?” _ Never trust strangers. Never trust strangers. They’re out to get you. Never trust strangers. _

“Right here.” He knew that voice so well; he made maybe a little too many notes in his journals describing it to call it healthy. But it was the voice. “Thank you, guys,” Rogers turned to them, nodding his head. They went back to whatever apartment they came from. He smiled, and it was so wide and warm that it could comfort Bucky even on the coldest nights of the year. Then Steve looked away from the people, staring straight at him.

“Bucky.” He was obviously wary. Not too surprising.

“Steve.” Bucky slowly let his guard down, trying to mirror Steve’s grin, even though he wasn’t sure he still remembered how to do it. Then he remembered he still didn’t go shopping and had nothing to welcome Steve with; he came all the way from America, after all; that would make anyone hungry.

“I was just about to do groceries,” he admitted awkwardly, and maybe it was his fight-or-flight response, because he didn’t even realize when he turned away and started to run.

“Bucky? Wait!”

Bucky’s mind was overtaken with panic. He was chased. He started running and then he was chased. How would Steve find him? It was probably a Hydra agent in disguise. It most likely was. He let his guard down without question, but that couldn’t be real Steve.

Bucky finally got out of that damn building, only to be hit by unimaginable cold. It made him stop running and realize that now he was an easy target to whoever was trying to take him.

“Hey! What happened? I know I was unexpected, but I need you to talk to me. I can leave if you want me to,” Steve blurted out. It made Bucky calm his nerves a little again. Steve would never back out, but he would regard every single one of his words when he talked to Bucky.

“You wouldn’t leave even if I asked you.” He shook his head.

“I mean, you’re probably right, but–”

“Do you want to do groceries with me?” Bucky was totally relaxed again. Besides, it would be easier to go with someone rather than by himself. If things got messed up, at least he’d have Steve to fight by his side. Hopefully.

“Yeah.”

Bucky didn’t comment on Steve giving him his jacket at some point of their _ journey _, he just embraced the pleasant warmth.

* * *

“So this is where I live.” Bucky felt like he should be embarrassed for the condition of his apartment, but he never really cared about it all that much. “Make yourself comfortable.”

Steve sat on the mattress and waited for Bucky to unpack everything they bought. Which was a lot; Bucky would never buy so much food if it wasn’t for Steve’s convincing.

“Is it always so cold in here?” He rubbed his hands. “I thought it was cold outside, but it’s even worse up here.”

“In summer it gets pretty hot,” he explained, not taking his eyes off the bags he was unpacking.

“But it’s not summer right now. Are you okay with these temperatures?”

Bucky sighed. He wasn’t annoyed, but there was one question he couldn’t get out of his mind.

“Steve, why did you decide to visit me so suddenly?”

Steve stayed silent for a moment, just breathing softly, maybe trying to find the right words. “It’s Christmas soon. I just wanted to see you. Make sure you’re okay, and all that. I also missed you.”

“How do you miss someone who almost killed you?” Bucky grimaced at the memory, tension creeping his way out of his throat and into his voice.

“How much do you remember?”

“I got a couple of journals. You know, to make sure I don't forget anything again.” Bucky shrugged, not having any idea where that conversation was heading.

“Do you remember the last Christmas we celebrated together before war?” Bucky looked up at Steve, and those eyes were so full of hope that he was happy he actually remembered.

“Yeah. We got each other those snowflake necklaces. I lost mine.” Bucky winced, hoping Steve won’t be hurt. But honestly, he had probably lost his, too. It’s been decades and it shouldn’t matter anymore.

“And do you remember what was engraved on them?” Steve smiled when Bucky chuckled briefly.

“_I’m with you till the end of the line,_” he recited as he finished unpacking the bags and moved to sit next to Steve.

“See, that’s what I meant. I don’t care if you almost killed me. You could kill me for real and I would still be thankful it was you.” Steve’s eyes always conveyed emotions so well. And Bucky knew that one, but was still too scared to name it, after all he’d done.

“Uh, I’d rather not.”

“Yeah. I probably didn’t put that in words too well. My point still stands, though. And like I said before, Christmas is coming soon.” He moved his arm slowly to put it around Bucky’s back, making sure the other man was aware of his every move.

“You mentioned.” Steve was so warm. Bucky leaned into his shoulder.

“And I have something for you.” He took a small package out of his pocket and put it into Bucky’s hand. “Open it.”

And so he did, and inside, there were two the exact same necklaces. They were snowflake-shaped, and even though they weren’t as shiny as years ago, the letters were still prominent.

Bucky had tears in his eyes; because another part of him was found; another part of them was found. And of course it was Steve who restored it.

“Steve,” he sobbed. It was really hard not to cry, so he just let the tears flow. “I love you so fucking much.”

He wasn’t scared anymore.

“I love you too.”

And if they spent that Christmas together, maybe things would turn out okay, after all. Because they were warm, and it was all that mattered at the moment.

_ In my mind we’ll always be that free. _

_ But something changed along the way. _

_ Winter never turned to spring. _


	2. Chapter 2

_ “How do you miss someone who almost killed you?” _

He knew what cold felt like. But he had spent _ years _on letting go of it. He had been trying so hard to embrace the warmth, to remember how to love and how to be loved. He had been slowly accepting the fact that he wasn’t a monster; that everything Hydra did wasn’t his fault. He had been convinced that he was good enough, that he deserved to live, that he deserved to have friends, relationships. He got rid of the cold in his heart almost entirely, only briefly remembering for so long. In those few years, life had been really good, peaceful. He had learned how to be himself again.

But maybe all of this was a lie. If he deserved happiness, then why couldn’t he get ever get it? He let himself dream of peaceful, full of love life, and when he thought he already got it, all the lies people told him, all the lies he told himself were exposed. His idea of perfect life crumbled as soon as he realized that no one would ever even _ think _ of loving him. All that was just a dream he would never be able to get.

Steve left him. Steve, the person who would always encourage him the most of all the friends he managed to make. Steve, his love. He was the first one to teach him how not to freeze. The first who loved him back. Obviously it hurt, a whole lot. But he still had friends and he swore to them that he wouldn’t go back to that cold, emotionless thing he once was. He promised, but it was so hard to keep loving and being happy when he knew that, in fact, he had to disappoint Steve. He wouldn’t just leave him for no reason; it meant Bucky fucked something up. It meant Bucky didn’t deserve any of the words Steve told him.

Bucky was sitting on the sofa in Sam’s apartment – in theory, it was their apartment, because once Bucky admitted how hurt he felt, Sam insisted on him moving in, to be sure he wouldn’t be alone – but Bucky didn’t like to refer to it as _ theirs _ . He didn’t want to attach to any place, because when he’d done that in the past, he would only end up leaving the place to fight. And he didn’t want to fight anymore; so he preferred not to think of anything as his real _ home _.

He stared at the TV, not really watching it. Sam wasn’t there, he was probably on some mission – they were supposed to do those together, but people were too worried for Bucky as of then; said something about _ self-destructive behavior _and that he needed a break before going back into the battlefield. He felt bad that he left Sam without help, but yes, he needed a break from all of this.

Eventually he sighed and got up. He was probably sitting in one place for at least an hour, given how crowded it was outside when he looked through the window; the streets seemed to scream _ it’s afternoon, I’m trying to get back home, and all the people here are clearly not helping _.

He moved to the kitchen to find something instant to eat. Yes, he had been slowly re-learning how to cook, but it took a lot of his willpower and energy. So at the moment he preferred to eat a random chocolate bar and be finished with it.

He was supposed to leave soon; the animal shelter was waiting with his new friend.

* * *

Alpine was the _ cutest _ cat in this world, Bucky was sure of that. He was so bright that if there was snow, he would be fully camouflaged. But his fur looked softer than even the lightest snowflakes. His eyes reminded Bucky of the sky on a freezing winter morning and the fact made him feel things he didn’t even know he could feel.

As soon as they got back, the snow-white ball of fur looked around the apartment, checked every room available, and finally decided to situate himself on Bucky’s huge bed. He looked so small and delicate on it that Bucky was suddenly too afraid to move; what if he wanted to pet him, but crushed him instead? He didn’t know how to take care of delicate beings. His right hand was too rough, his left hand was made out of vibranium – how was he supposed to be gentle with those?

The cat was looking at him, somewhat expectantly. So Bucky moved closer, still afraid of what he was capable of; when he sat down on the bed, Alpine immediately hopped onto his lap purring contently as he rubbed his head into Bucky’s chest. He yelped in surprise when the cat as much as moved from his previous spot, and when Alpine was leaning into his chest, he was afraid to even breathe too deep.

The cat turned his small head, now looking at Bucky’s metal arm, deciding that he wanted to hop onto this weird object. Bucky’s heart completely stopped when Alpine walked on his arm, next climbing onto his shoulders.

“Affectionate, huh?” The cat snuggled into his neck, lying there just for a moment. He hooked his claw on the necklace around Bucky’s neck as soon as he got bored of snuggling.

_ I love you too. _

“Leave it, Al,” he whispered, all energy suddenly sucked out of him. He felt… so, so empty. It wasn’t a new feeling, but.

When Steve left him, the _ void _ intensified. And he was just getting out of it. But then he was reminded that he still had the necklace, and suddenly it was that cold night in Bucharest again.

It was Steve and Bucky again, confessing how much they loved each other. _ I missed you _ , that’s what Steve said. Steve missed Bucky so much, right? Steve wanted to spend the rest of his life with Bucky. He said that so many, _ so many _times. Steve wanted them to grow old together, after they finally stopped losing each other.

And yet, he chose his past crush over bucky.

And it hurt, it really did. Because nothing was the same without Steve. But he tried to fight the emptiness inside him, he tried to be better for the rest of his friends.

“We should get rid of this,” he decided as he got up, Alpine jumping off his neck into his arms. He didn’t notice at first, too preoccupied with his new goal. But when Alpine meowed contentedly, he realized that maybe his grip wasn’t all that deadly anymore. He patted the cat on the head as he left the apartment, heading straight into the trash cans outside. Outside, because he was afraid that he’d take it again, refusing to let go of the last thing he had from Steve.

So they threw it out, Alpine somehow encouraging him.

No more Steve. No more void.

Bucky would forever miss him, that’s for sure. But he _ could _ and he _ would _move on from all the lies that Steve told him.

This time, winter would turn to spring, showing Bucky how many colors life truly had.

**Author's Note:**

> hope yalls liked it. check out my twitter! @shiverbarnes


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